Luck

mine is horribe. i can be so close and the powers that be finds a way to fuck it up. I try to be understanding about it especially when it involves others and i wind up looking like an asshole when im not trying to. So people get mad at me and i always wind up apologizing for something i didnt do. And it happens all the time. At work, at home, when im chillin with friends. sometimes i wake up to people being mad at me. Maybe i can save my breath and just tattoo "im sorry" across my forehead. Sorry for what? Whatever i did to piss ya'll off. It seems like ill walk down the street, turn a corner, and boom, someone is mad at me. when will it end??

Options

Always a good option but never an option. When it comes to dating and relationships, this describes me. Im the guy women date, break up with, and either date a friend of mine or marry the next guy. since HS ive always seen me ge passed by for whatever reason. and be the one they talk to about the next. its the price i pay for a friendship continued. And after all these years, ive grown accustomed to it. I cant understand or explain why this always happens, but i can do one thing....deal. Its part of what makes me...me. The strength and logic of just knowing God has something planned. Someone hopefully for me out there. But what does hope give me now. The Knowledge of knowing that i must be great if so many still want me in their lives in a positive way. Positive, yes. But how does that help this feeling i have? this feeling that maybe i missed something. This feeling of doubt in continuing to want to date and be in a relationship. Maybe im just ment to be just a party of one. Maybe im the one invited to all the weddings but never have one. To be in some cases the one who supports someones relationship and be that friend that helps guide them thru the ups and downs of understanding. the one they thank for being there for them.

Maybe being that friend and not actually trying to be there for me is what has caused this.

Maybe i should just give up and live.

Alone....but live.

Sex.....

its not forbidden. its not a bad thing. its a natural act. to alot, its a necessity. To others, its an expression of intimacy. the want to have sex is often mistaken as the sign of a "dog", or "ho". To me, its a sign of a human who is being just that...human. Im human. I have wants. the want of a touch from a woman. To want to hold her, kiss her, engage in an intimate act to make each other a member of our respected genders. Its makes me feel, in a way, wanted. Attractive. Longed for. To be made to feel that youre more than "just a friend" in some cases. Is it wrong to want to have sex with someone you care for, are attracted to, or just feel that chemistry with? To be deprived of sex, for whatever reason, is a blow to one's psyche. Personally, ive now gone almost a year without. 49 weeks to be exact. its not that i havent have my opportunities, but somthing always gets in the way, whether its because the other isnt single, the time isnt right, one isnt ready, or someone is ALWAYS there. ive been accused of only wanting sex by one person who use to only seem to call me when she wanted sex. Its usually the guilty ones whos first to accuse others right??

I have a connection with someone that transcends sex. We arent together, but we once were a long time ago. And we will always be more than just friends. Being more that just friends doesnt make us "fuck buddies". It means our friendship is more than just a friendship. And yes, sex does sometimes happen. It doesnt complicate us. It doesnt guide us. its something we can be comfortable with having together. But in recent times, it does get complicated. The want is there. on both sides. But the timing is horrible. Especially when its been years since the 2 of us had any intimate time together. Its something we dont need. But we would like to enjoy it time to time.

Will the timing ever be there? who knows. Will it ever happen, who knows. Honestly, after the amount of time that it has been since i last had sex, id feel really comfortable with her than someone new.

So now its the last week of November. And i do not feel good about myself. No, i dont beleive that sex defines how i feel about myself. Its the lack of that intimate connection that i miss.

And to miss that is only human.....

"Number One"

If you watched Star Trek The Next Generation then you know this term. its what a captain traditionally calls their First officer. Picard called Riker this all the time. "Make it so, Number One" was the common phrase. This term i use to someone who ive known for 15 years. We've been through good times and bad times. Shes more than a best friend to me. She's my Number One. and she's also my first of many things.

First woman in High School ive ever wanted upon first meeting her

First woman ive argued with out of attraction

First woman ive had that romantic first kiss with (you know...like in the movies)

First real girlfriend

First woman to bring out my emotions

First woman to bring out my emotions in words

First woman ive ever had a long term relationship with

First woman i ever fell in love with

First woman ive said I love you to

First woman to tell me I love you

First woman ive ever broke up and got back with (and still the only)

First woman ive ever stayed close with after a break up

First woman ive ever been intimate with

First woman ive ever got into an arguement with and got so mad i broke a bone punching an inanimate object

First woman who i was heartbroken over after a break up

First woman ive ever wanted to marry

First woman who ran to me when she needed a shoulder to cry on

First woman who made me truly feel like a man

First woman (and only) who's ever spat in my face

First woman (and only) who i ever slapped (for spitting in my face)

First woman who'd have my back with anything

First woman who'd have my back with anything and afterwards tell me i was wrong

First woman to show me she truly cares for me no matter what

First woman who, even after 15 years, keeps me awake thinking about her

She's my Number One

Make it so

Letting go

Its easier now. Time shows one's true self. Time also opens one's eyes to reality. Im thankful for this time. It was something long overdue. Time has shown me who my true peoples are. Time has also shown me who to let go.

Friendships

Friendships are starting to get overrated. There are friends who show thy care and ones who claim they are friends but dont show it. Im the friend who means it when i say im your friend. and i dont just say it, i show it. when a friend is in need i try to be there. when im in need, i hope that my friends show they care. and most do. Some say theyre my friend but when im down, in their own way, they can make me feel like shit. But when they are down, i still try to be there, only to get pushed away and made to feel like shit. worthless. like i dont matter to them. but then they wanna turn around and say they dont have anyone who shows they truly care. so basically, everything ive done was for nothing. Not even for the sake of friendship. i thought i was helping a freind only to be shown that im not worth their friendship. Ok. thats cool. Be alone. Cry that you have no one who cares. cause now you dont. I did, but youve shown me that me caring is not wanted. You got it! Everything ive done, sacrifices ive made, shit ive delt with from my other friends saying im stupid forstaying your friend was for nothing. Youve just shown me they were right. and again....i feel like shit!

i feel like shit cause ive been shown ive wasted my time with you. When youre in need, i was there. when you had nothing, i gave to you. when you felt down, i tried to give you words of advise and love. When i felt down, you made me feel like shit. Like i was stupid for feeling the way i did. and through all of that, when we didnt talk, and you contacted me, i still showed you love and pushed youre bullshit to the past. No more. You want attention. But you want attention from the wrong people and for the wrong reasons. You kept pushing me away and when i tried to go away, you pulled me back. no more. im not here for YOUR convenience. you were in my life cause i wanted you in my life and you kept telling me you wanted me in yours. now because i gave you the same advice you gave me, you said i was wrong and deleted me. so now i say....fuck you.

dont try to call me, dont try to contacted me in any way. your phone will be turned off, you will be erased from my memory. If you try to contact me, you will be ignored. this is what you want, so now you got it.

you are no longer worthy of assimilation.

ever felt like youre lost???

like you have nothing planned? nothing to look forward to? lots of friends but still feel alone? like you have lots of favorite people but your no one's favorite? like even God doesnt have you on His top friends list? thats how im feeling. down. out. depressed i believe its called. and i dont know why i feel like this. or maybe i do. i dont know anymore. someone hook me up to some jumper cables please! i need boost!

first, let me say....

ive always wanted to be a father. To raise a child who'll become a better person than ill ever be. And for years there's always been a question within me if i can ever have kids. I say this because everytime ive been with someone i care about, there has been times where i should have heard "im pregnant", but never did. But these same women get pregnant by the next guy. so the question of "can i have kids" becomes a statment of " i dont think i can". If God has decided that i cant, so be it. But then the guys who get their Gf's pregnant are the ones who dont give a shit after the 2 mins of their labor into getting the woman pregnant. Guys, let me be cleaar on this. Just because you get off doesnt mean your job is done!!!!!! you have 9 months of getting prepared to receive a blessing and then ATLEAST 18 years of raising these kids to become better people. I cant stress enough of how i cant stand hearing my homegirls complaining about how their Bfs are trying to get them pregnant and when they do, its nothing but hearing them complain how he's not doing what he's suppose to! sometimes i wanna tell them "well you hooked up with him". Especially when its an ex of mine. Im the type that if i were to get a woman pregnant, its time to stop goofing off! My life is not about only me anymore. Its about raising this life that God has blessed me with. A child that i helped bring into this world. As men, we need to step up and handle it!! the mother of our Children has to go thru the hard part. Carrying our child for 9 months. We should do anything and everything we can to make it as easy for them as possible. and thats just the beginning. Cause once you have a kid, you cant quit. So if any men out there wants to get their Girl pregnant just to get them pregnant, DONT!!!!!! Cause if youre gonna be a fuck up after your 2 mins, you shoulda just went home and beat one off! leave the child raising to those of us who would welcome the blessing. Cause in my mind, Thats what having a child is. A blessing!!!!!

I am Me.....

.....lower your shields and open your mind. Here will be random thoughts that make me happy, pissed and whatever emotions pass my way. Whether or not you'll agree is up to you.