Sex.....

its not forbidden. its not a bad thing. its a natural act. to alot, its a necessity. To others, its an expression of intimacy. the want to have sex is often mistaken as the sign of a "dog", or "ho". To me, its a sign of a human who is being just that...human. Im human. I have wants. the want of a touch from a woman. To want to hold her, kiss her, engage in an intimate act to make each other a member of our respected genders. Its makes me feel, in a way, wanted. Attractive. Longed for. To be made to feel that youre more than "just a friend" in some cases. Is it wrong to want to have sex with someone you care for, are attracted to, or just feel that chemistry with? To be deprived of sex, for whatever reason, is a blow to one's psyche. Personally, ive now gone almost a year without. 49 weeks to be exact. its not that i havent have my opportunities, but somthing always gets in the way, whether its because the other isnt single, the time isnt right, one isnt ready, or someone is ALWAYS there. ive been accused of only wanting sex by one person who use to only seem to call me when she wanted sex. Its usually the guilty ones whos first to accuse others right??

I have a connection with someone that transcends sex. We arent together, but we once were a long time ago. And we will always be more than just friends. Being more that just friends doesnt make us "fuck buddies". It means our friendship is more than just a friendship. And yes, sex does sometimes happen. It doesnt complicate us. It doesnt guide us. its something we can be comfortable with having together. But in recent times, it does get complicated. The want is there. on both sides. But the timing is horrible. Especially when its been years since the 2 of us had any intimate time together. Its something we dont need. But we would like to enjoy it time to time.

Will the timing ever be there? who knows. Will it ever happen, who knows. Honestly, after the amount of time that it has been since i last had sex, id feel really comfortable with her than someone new.

So now its the last week of November. And i do not feel good about myself. No, i dont beleive that sex defines how i feel about myself. Its the lack of that intimate connection that i miss.

And to miss that is only human.....

"Number One"

If you watched Star Trek The Next Generation then you know this term. its what a captain traditionally calls their First officer. Picard called Riker this all the time. "Make it so, Number One" was the common phrase. This term i use to someone who ive known for 15 years. We've been through good times and bad times. Shes more than a best friend to me. She's my Number One. and she's also my first of many things.

First woman in High School ive ever wanted upon first meeting her

First woman ive argued with out of attraction

First woman ive had that romantic first kiss with (you know...like in the movies)

First real girlfriend

First woman to bring out my emotions

First woman to bring out my emotions in words

First woman ive ever had a long term relationship with

First woman i ever fell in love with

First woman ive said I love you to

First woman to tell me I love you

First woman ive ever broke up and got back with (and still the only)

First woman ive ever stayed close with after a break up

First woman ive ever been intimate with

First woman ive ever got into an arguement with and got so mad i broke a bone punching an inanimate object

First woman who i was heartbroken over after a break up

First woman ive ever wanted to marry

First woman who ran to me when she needed a shoulder to cry on

First woman who made me truly feel like a man

First woman (and only) who's ever spat in my face

First woman (and only) who i ever slapped (for spitting in my face)

First woman who'd have my back with anything

First woman who'd have my back with anything and afterwards tell me i was wrong

First woman to show me she truly cares for me no matter what

First woman who, even after 15 years, keeps me awake thinking about her

She's my Number One

Make it so

Letting go

Its easier now. Time shows one's true self. Time also opens one's eyes to reality. Im thankful for this time. It was something long overdue. Time has shown me who my true peoples are. Time has also shown me who to let go.

Friendships

Friendships are starting to get overrated. There are friends who show thy care and ones who claim they are friends but dont show it. Im the friend who means it when i say im your friend. and i dont just say it, i show it. when a friend is in need i try to be there. when im in need, i hope that my friends show they care. and most do. Some say theyre my friend but when im down, in their own way, they can make me feel like shit. But when they are down, i still try to be there, only to get pushed away and made to feel like shit. worthless. like i dont matter to them. but then they wanna turn around and say they dont have anyone who shows they truly care. so basically, everything ive done was for nothing. Not even for the sake of friendship. i thought i was helping a freind only to be shown that im not worth their friendship. Ok. thats cool. Be alone. Cry that you have no one who cares. cause now you dont. I did, but youve shown me that me caring is not wanted. You got it! Everything ive done, sacrifices ive made, shit ive delt with from my other friends saying im stupid forstaying your friend was for nothing. Youve just shown me they were right. and again....i feel like shit!

i feel like shit cause ive been shown ive wasted my time with you. When youre in need, i was there. when you had nothing, i gave to you. when you felt down, i tried to give you words of advise and love. When i felt down, you made me feel like shit. Like i was stupid for feeling the way i did. and through all of that, when we didnt talk, and you contacted me, i still showed you love and pushed youre bullshit to the past. No more. You want attention. But you want attention from the wrong people and for the wrong reasons. You kept pushing me away and when i tried to go away, you pulled me back. no more. im not here for YOUR convenience. you were in my life cause i wanted you in my life and you kept telling me you wanted me in yours. now because i gave you the same advice you gave me, you said i was wrong and deleted me. so now i say....fuck you.

dont try to call me, dont try to contacted me in any way. your phone will be turned off, you will be erased from my memory. If you try to contact me, you will be ignored. this is what you want, so now you got it.

you are no longer worthy of assimilation.